So, you’re out with some friends. The bunch of you are having a good time. You all just left an event— let’s say a production at the theater, and now everyone is looking to extend the fun. Your group strolls down the sidewalk and you see someone who commands your attention.
You’re drawn in.
You know that you have to meet this person — you can feel it in your gut. But you can’t move.
Your palms begin to sweat, knees begin to shake, and your heart races. You quickly realize that you are suffering from what I call “Instant Crush Paralysis”. It’s when you see someone who you find so attractive that your body literally shuts down.
Why does this happen?
To put simply, you’re afraid. You’ve unwillingly fallen victim to fear. This fear is caused by the sudden mixture of highest desire and greatest expectation. And it’s the potential of experiencing a failed expectation that does all of the damage.
Think of it this way: the desire primes the pump, the expectation makes it burst uncontrollably, causing a huge mess. And naturally, you fear the mess, which can be hard to clean up and never undone.
You really want to get to know this person, but if s/he turns out to be a jerk or worse, you stumble over your words and appear socially awkward, there’s no shot of any future encounters.
That’s the mess. And it all comes down to that one moment, which is why expectation is so high.
As the pressure builds, you find your mind playing the “what if?” game of self-doubt.
What if I look like an idiot?
What if she thinks I’m lame?
What if he thinks I’m unattractive?
You desperately want to take control of yourself, the situation and have an encounter with your new found interest. You know that all you need is a quick boost of confidence.
But how do you get it?
The answer’s simple — control your breathing.
Control your breathing and you will control your actions.
Ever notice how in martial arts movies the master always commands that the pupil must master breathing techniques? So much so, we see a heavy emphasis on using breathing to harness energy and channel it throughout the body. Sometimes, especially in anime or manga, we’ll hear an inner monologue during a fight where one of the characters thinks “I’ve been able to match my breathing with his.”
Our breathing tells our bodies how to perform. On the one hand, Short, shallow and choppy breaths lead to increases in fear and anxiety. On the other, deep, long and controlled breaths lead to calmness and relaxation.
We gain a natural confidence when we are relaxed.
This helps us focus with a clear and level mind.
Here are 3 breathing techniques that I use to stay in control despite the situation.
Retired Navy Seal Commander Mark Divine shares the following two techniques. The Tactical Breath and Box Breathing. Mark is the founder of SealFit, a program that prepares people for Navy SEAL training with a 90 percent success rate. He is also the author of Unbeatable Mind and National Bestseller The Way of The Seal.
Watch his video below as he demonstrates the Tactical Breath and Box Breathing.
1. Tactical Breath — Situational used to lower and control heart rate during activity
This breath has 3-parts.
The first is the 1-part breath. Breathe in deeply through your nose, allowing your belly to expand. Then exhale. Think “touch my spine with my stomach”.
The second is the 2-part breath. Breathe in deeply through your nose, allowing your belly to expand. Once we get to this step, engage the diaphragm. Once the diaphragm is engaged, exhale through the two parts.
The third is the 3-part breath. Breathe in deeply through your nose, allowing your belly to expand again, then engage your diaphragm, and lastly, your chest. Then exhale through the 3 parts. Once the air is exhaled, immediately allow the inhale to begin. The exhale is twice as long as the inhale.
2. Box Breathing — Breathing Practice
This form of breathing is great for controlling our heart rate. Here’s how we do it. Breathe in through your nose for four counts. Hold for four counts. Exhale through your nose for four counts. Wait for four counts then repeat.
Box Breathing 2.0 — *The Musician’s Variant* for increasing lung capacity
Here’s another technique that I learned throughout my years as a musician. Think of it as a variant of box breathing. It’s the same as the Box Breathing technique but instead of breathing in and out through your nose, you will breathe in and out through your mouth. This variance allows you to increase the volume of air into your lungs and requires that you exert more effort to control the release. This slight variant causes you to engage your lungs, even more, increasing your capacity over time. I will preference this by informing you that this technique is NOT to be used for active performance. Like the Box Breathing, only perform it in a controlled environment.
Here’s how.
Breathe in through your mouth for four counts by saying the word “How”. Doing so will allow you to open your throat, create and upward curve with your tongue, and generate a spherical shape in your mouth. This causes the rush of air to be more sudden — it comes in all at once. Like with the Box Breathing hold the air once you have it. Then exhale for four counts by saying the word “how”. Wait four counts then repeat the exercise.
Fighter Breathing — Flow & Cadence
The first two techniques: Tactical Breath and Box Breathing were more for preparation before the encounter. For example, you wouldn’t have a conversation with someone while holding your breath for numerous counts. That’d be pretty weird. This approach is more of a feel. You will breathe in and out calmly and continuously, but this twist is that you are allowing your breaths to flow. This technique is slightly more advanced because it requires you to 1. Identify the flow of the conversation and 2. Adjust your breathing based on that flow. The key is to keep your breaths under control by setting your own pace and not giving in to the pace of the other person. This keeps your heart rate where you want it to be, keeping you calm and confident.
After applying these techniques, you will be in control of your body the way you were before you saw your new crush. Now, you are able to stay cool and make your approach.
Try implementing one or several of these breathing techniques this upcoming week.
You could incorporate the box breathing exercise into your morning routine. Or you could try using the tactical breath while you’re at the gym or when you find yourself in a stressful situation.
Tell me about your experiences in the comments below!